Oil change: A guide to...

[robz95xj]

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $ 20.00

Coffee $ 1.00

Total $ 21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30. Drink beer.

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Call loving wife, make bail.

50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $ 50.00

Beer $ 40.00

Impound Fee $ 75.00

Bail $ 1500.00

DUI $ 2500.00

Total $ 4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

[0zAr3]

hahahahahah..so true for some people. I just take my cars to Sears

[v_dub_ya]

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.


hahhahahahhahahaha

great find Rob :thumb:

[/NDA]

Thanks

[BigDon]

u know what sux is the first time i ever did an oil change i forgot to put the plug back in, lol, i didnt bury it though

[robz95xj]

a couple years ago during a oil change i starten to pour the new oil in and i remembered that i forgot to change the filter. :banghead:

[v_dub_ya]

one of the guys at my work drained the oil and replaced the plug, took the filter off, then went to get a filter and forgot to put it on and proceded to put 5 quarts of oil in this truck and when he got to about the 4th quart, he noticed it runnin out on the floor

i came back from lunch and his bay looked like a beach with all the oildry he had on the floor

[BigDon]

haha, that sucks

[bmxer99]

[Bloody Fork]

Changing your oil is for pansies.

[robz95xj]

Originally Posted by ROBZ95XJ

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

.

i pulled that trick today

[AAandHT]

Originally Posted by ROBZ95XJ

i pulled that trick today

Had I known that earlier, I woulda saved so much time....

[robz95xj]

Originally Posted by AAandHT

Had I known that earlier, I woulda saved so much time....

2 hour oil changes are so much fun

[low_civic]

or be like some and screw back the plug, put a new filter then get side tracked and then when comes time to put oil in the engine..you forget close the hood drive away...

happened to traction..and yup happened to me funny thing same kind of truck too lol

[robz95xj]

Originally Posted by low_civic

or be like some and screw back the plug, put a new filter then get side tracked and then when comes time to put oil in the engine..you forget close the hood drive away...

happened to traction..and yup happened to me funny thing same kind of truck too lol

haha, i knew a kid in high school that just got done putting a built 454 in his truck , but forgot to put the oil in and on the first test drive he ruined a brand new motor