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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:04 pm   #1 (permalink)
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ok lets start a joke thread...please no stupid jokes..like why did the chiken cross the road or anything liek that...

i want to read Funny jokes. piss in your pants funny...

so i'll start...





A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your
breasts for $100 dollars?


"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking
away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to
the corner before she does.


"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1, 000 dollars?"
he asks again.


"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10, 000 dollars?"


She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10, 000
dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to
that dark alley over there."


So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse
to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon
as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying
his face in them, but not biting them.


The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are
you gonna bite them or not?"


"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
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I love you cooking me pancakes.

Wash the dishes too you fag.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:04 pm   #2 (permalink)
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench sobbing
her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon". I said, "Well, why are you
crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said, "Well, why in the
world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!!"
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I love you cooking me pancakes.

Wash the dishes too you fag.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:06 pm   #3 (permalink)
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A local county mounty pulls over a fella for doing 80 MPH in a 55 MPH zone.The following exchange takes place:

Cop - May I see your drivers license?
Driver - I don't have one, it was suspended when i got my fifth OWI.

Cop - Can I see your registration?
Driver - It's not my car, I stole it.

Cop - This car is stolen!?
Driver - That's right, but I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Cop - There's a gun in the glove box!?
Driver - Yes sir, That's where I put it after I shot the owner of the car and stuffed him in the trunk.

Cop - There's a body in the trunk!?
Driver - Yes sir.


Being a rookie and not knowing what to do the officer radios his captain. The car is surrounded and the captain approachesthe driver

Captain - Let me see your drivers license.
Driver - Certainly sir, here you are........it was valid.

Captain - Who does this car belong to?
Driver - It's mine officer, here's the registration.......The car was his.

Captain - Reach over and slowly open the glove box, I need to check for a gun.
Driver - Yes sir, but there is no gun in there................Sure enough, nothing in the glove box

Captian - Step out of the vehicle and open the trunk.
Driver - No problem....................trunk is opened, nothing but a spare tire.

Captain - I dont understand. The officer who stopped you said that you told him that you didn't have a license, stole the car,had a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk!
Driver - Really!? I'll bet that lyin' S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!
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I love you cooking me pancakes.

Wash the dishes too you fag.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:07 pm   #4 (permalink)
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by American Psycho View Post
I love you cooking me pancakes.

Wash the dishes too you fag.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:15 pm   #5 (permalink)
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:17 pm   #6 (permalink)
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A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"You son of a *****" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."




A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX FOR MONEY AND SEX FOR FREE IS THAT SEX FOR MONEY COSTS LESS

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Old 18 Oct 2005, 04:22 pm   #7 (permalink)
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 05:06 pm   #8 (permalink)
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man dont take alll your jokes from ebaums geez...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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chrysler reminds me of that old man who walks around talking to himself. that no one gives a shit about.

Last edited by low_civic; 18 Oct 2005 at 05:51 pm.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 05:07 pm   #9 (permalink)
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Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."
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chrysler reminds me of that old man who walks around talking to himself. that no one gives a shit about.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 05:15 pm   #10 (permalink)
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HAHAHAHAHA i just remembered this one

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a ****y tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"
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chrysler reminds me of that old man who walks around talking to himself. that no one gives a shit about.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 05:41 pm   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bmxer8699
man dont take alll your jokes from ebaums geez...


thats not where i got it from......HERE

they have a lot more there.


YAY!! 100 posts!!
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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX FOR MONEY AND SEX FOR FREE IS THAT SEX FOR MONEY COSTS LESS

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Old 18 Oct 2005, 05:55 pm   #12 (permalink)
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nice jokes guys..keep them coming...

just one request....plz don't quote i want to keep this simply jokes and laugher...so no quoting jsut quote the persons name...thanks
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Quote:
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I love you cooking me pancakes.

Wash the dishes too you fag.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 06:10 pm   #13 (permalink)
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are dead baby jokes ok..i mean some are kinda gross but funny
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 06:26 pm   #14 (permalink)
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Old 18 Oct 2005, 06:27 pm   #15 (permalink)
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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