The Big Joke Thread

[lookingfor400hp]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[lookingfor400hp]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

[lookingfor400hp]

A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying
near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag
on and no one steps out of the crowd.

A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!
Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least
80 years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic
Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their
services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some
comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get
through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a
solemn voice:
"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"

[/NDA]

Originally Posted by lookingfor400hp

"I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

[v_dub_ya]

Originally Posted by lookingfor400hp

A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying
near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag
on and no one steps out of the crowd.

A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!
Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least
80 years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic
Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their
services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some
comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get
through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a
solemn voice:
"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"

[robz95xj]

Originally Posted by v_dub_ya

X2 HA HA

[new_formula_S2K]

this is definetly THEE BEST THREAD on tremek, ever!

[lookingfor400hp]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[robz95xj]

^hahaha Thats Some Funny Sh*t!^

[lookingfor400hp]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic.

We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus.. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods".

[robz95xj]

HAHAHA keep em coming

[lookingfor400hp]

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes
and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first
dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression
is made worse by the fact that from the next room he
hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here
I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE..... UHH!" all night
long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How
did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn't get an erection"

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed!"

[lookingfor400hp]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue,
not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."

[lookingfor400hp]

I guess I will keep this going



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[/NDA]

Lolololololololololololololololol