The Big Joke Thread

[97talon]

Haha, great add!!

[American Psycho]

I was having trouble with my computer last night.




So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose house looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.





As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.



'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.



'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.



'



So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric.............

[97talon]

Not bad.

[bmxer99]

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

[97talon]

Hahaha, that was pretty good.

[fat_kid]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and caught at the light,
Was a domestic V8 with no cops in sight.
I will try, I will try, with this 2-liter motor,
To beat this Mustang, even with its big blower!

As the light goes to green and I pull like no joke,
The Mustang erupts in clouds of tire smoke.
Now Smasher, now Revver, now Stroker, now Blitzin!
These are the names for my four VTEC pistons!

Racing ahead, I’m the star of the action,
But I know I’m in trouble when that Mustang gets traction.
Grabbing second, I'm hearing the RPM sing,
But my rearview is blocked by my shopping-cart wing.

I now hear the roar of that big monster gaining,
All I can do is keep the four-banger straining!
In a second, the shockwave hits with a blast,
And my stickers go flying, now a thing of the past.

Don’t bother with third, ‘cause now it’s too late,
Just try to act cool, like you can relate.

As I gaze at the taillights and watch them get smaller,
The driver backs off just to give me a holler,
“You can’t win them all,” he says with a grin.
“You may not win any in that silly thing!”

I scowl and I gun it and let out a sigh,
And then pull my classic trademark high-speed fly-by.
Then I smile as I revv and pull out of sight;
With my new mods tomorrow, it'll be a better night.

[97talon]

Replace mustang with a fast car and it would be funny.

[vette12]

haha thats EXACTLY what i was going to say.

[Nortad]

two mates go hunting in a remote and isolated forest and since they couldn´t hit anything they decided to have a break and grab something to eat.

As they are sitting in the forest eating lunch one of them starts screaming his ass off.

- dude, what´s wrong?!

- I got bitten by a snake!! I think its poisoness!

- Oh my god, oh s***! wait let get my mobile phone i´ll call a doctor!

So his friend calls the doctor:

Doc!? I got an emergency here! My friend got bitten by a poisoness snake? you gotta help us!! quick!!

Doctor replies:

- Ok, since you call right away there might me something you can do, check the wound and suck the poisoned blood out with your mouth, suck it all!

- Ok doc, let me talk to my buddy.

He asks his buddy:

-Hey man, where did the snake bit you?

- She bit me in my c*ck!! What did the doctor say?!

- Doc said you gonna die...

[DJ_WHiteout]

a pair of hunters flew in to Alaska on a plane. once on the ground and bags unpacked, the pilot gathered the 2 men up to make arrangements on the pick up point.

"Remember, only one moose, i cant carry any more because it will be to heavy." said the pilot.

The 2 hunters agreed and 2 weeks later they arrived at the pick up point, but with 2 moose instead of one.

"I told you only one moose!" yelled the pilot.

"Come on! last years pilot said the same thing and he said that he would do it. He had the exact same plane!" replied one of the hunters.

after 30 minutes of arguing they convinced him to put both on the plane. With everything packed they hopped in and prepared to take off. The plane sputtered and finally began to taxi. when they were prepared the pilot said one prayer and they began the attempt.

the plane screamed down the runway and got up in to the air just as soon as the run way ended. The second they got to the tree line BAM! with a huge explosion and a violent crash the plane came down in to the forest.

after the snow settled and flames were put out the hunters began calling for eachother.


"hey mike, you okay?"

"Yea im fine. are you?"

"yup, were are we?"

"id say about 10 feet farther than last year"

[tyle1780]

Hahahahahahaha, good adds

[vette12]

hahahaha the moose one was good

[bmxer99]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door.


I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[tyle1780]

good one rams

[American Psycho]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother,

'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole.'